This time around

Today, I'm a rollarcoaster of emotions. Yesterday, a rock grounded in Gods peace. Tomorrow, well we'll see.

Since my last post, Hubby and I decided to take a step in faith and start the adoption process earlier than expected. We rushed to get things done, finger prints, profiles, homestudy. We've been a flurry of excitement and apprehension. Trying to remember that above all, above the excitement and anticipation, we want Gods will and timing for our lives.

We've been shown to 3 different expectant moms so far, 2 choosing other families and one is still considering us and 2 other families. It's funny, but when I found out we'd been passed up by 2 moms I didn't feel sad. I felt total peace. I know God lead us to submit our application and profiles now, for these situations, but I didn't know why. Maybe because one of these babies is our child, maybe as a step in faith, maybe to serve as "options" even though God had already chosen other parents. Maybe for all of the above. It's hard to know for sure right now, but what I do know is I'm right where God wants me. He wants me here and even though I feel like I'm hanging in limbo, foot on the line waiting for the gun to sound, the anticipation building as each second passes, I feel Gods hand on my shoulder reassuring me that he's got this.

So in the mean time, I'm soaking up my sweet girl. These could be that last days I have with only her and she's getting too big to fast. I'd like to really pause at this age. At 20 months she's talking more and more each day, stringing new words together and being as funny as ever. Hubby and I keep having these super sentimental moments where Lovebug will be playing and we'll just be staring at her. One of us will remark and how fast she's growing and then we'll both look at each other and sigh. Where has our baby gone? But, as sad as it is to see one phase go, it's equally as exciting to welcome the next one. Except when it comes to the temper tantrum stage which we've just recently hit. Honestly, at this point it's not bad. More funny than anything. But, I know that eventually the endearing factor to her throwing herself to the ground in a fit of protest will fade away and then we'll be in the thick of it! But, again we'll have to rely on that ever present hand on our shoulders saying "I got this" and let Him guide us along!

"...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16

Really Huffington post? Really?

Excuse me, Huff? You've just dropped your credible rating in my  book! How irresponsible to publish such an inflammatory and inaccurate article! Has anyone else seen it? If not, here it is: Can adoption lead to child abuse?

What about the MILLIONS of children who are abused by their biological parents? Whats their excuse? If anything I would imagine parents who adopt their children as less likely to abuse their kids due to the intense screening we all go through to even become a waiting family. To make a connection that adoption can lead to abuse is so ignorant.

How about the connection that each of the kids came from families with 6+ kids. Maybe we should say having more kids makes you more likely to beat them! Watch out Du.ggar child #20... things aren't looking up for you....

Moreover, the author links the 3 abused kids to RAD, which is not a fact but an assumption since that was never reported in any case.

I would encourage the author as well and the Huffington Post to do a little more research, provide more facts and not publish garbage in the future. Because after reading that, it muddies the waters for all the other stuff they publish.

So what do you think?

Reccuring Revelation...

Today, as I was putting away precious little shirts and dresses in multiple shades of pinks and purples, fumbling across a floor covered in brightly colored board books, dolls and toys, I listened to the background noises and heard the pidder padder of tiny feet  and enthusiastic clapping to "if your happy and you know it" playing through the speakers and it hit me (again!) I'm living it:

my dream come true!

Thank you Lord!

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him." 1 Samuel 1:27

Celebrity Advice...don't adopt internationally?

Just came across this article and wanted to see what everyone thought of it?

Apprently Jilli.an Michaels is adopting from The Democratic Republic of Congo and has decided she's not a fan of the international adoption process saying “I honestly don’t know how somebody without money and help could ever get this done. It’s a full-time job,” and would like to warn us less fortunate to steer clear and go for the "easier" route... state adoption?

Jillian, maybe you should stop giving adoption advice whining and stick to what you know best and go lift a weight. Adoption might be time consuming and expensive, but isn't giving a child a home worth it? Would you warn someone against getting in shape because is time consuming and hard work?! Why don't you leave the hard work to us poor folk who somehow make this crazy  process, of giving a child a loving home, work. Sheesh.

Anyhow, read the article and tell me what you think?

Jilli.an Michaels warns against international adoption

It's (gonna be) a secret!

Ever feel like your very private family building experience is so public? I know I do. Everyone knows your adopting, your waiting, your matched. You deal with agencies and social workers who discuss the ins and out's of personal details and plans. It seems theres little left to savor as a family unit.

Part of it is a good thing. I think bringing a face to adoption and showing the world how awesome it is, is a great thing. Everyone has those "you know I heard so & so adopted and..." horror stories, but do they really know "so & so" or has that just become the Big Foot story of adoption? So when it comes to this aspect, I'm glad to share our positive experience with adoption and open adoption.

But, when I think about our 2nd child I find myself wanting to keep some things just between us... you know like a couple who just found out they're pregnant does. Sneaking smiles at each other around family, knowing they have a little secret that nobody else knows.

I also always dreamed about waiting to find out the gender of our child. My parents did that and growing up my dad would always tell my about when I was born  and they brought me to him, they said "Congratulations, you have a daughter!" and his world flipped upside down (in a good way)! My mom would have loved to tell this story, but this was in the age of general anesthesia c-sections...so she was out of it for a while :) Anyhow, hearing that story always made me want that surprise. The joy of someone in the delivery room screaming "It's a....".

I can't foresee that happening with an adoption, so Hubby and I have derived another plan: when we are matched next, we'll tell family about the match, but when it comes to the gender and names, well that's gonna be our little secret!

As the months get closer to when we'll start again, we're getting more and more excited! I can't wait to see Lovebug as a big sister! I can't wait to cradle a precious squishy baby again. Memorizing a new little face, hands and feet. I can't wait to see Hubby with both of his kids cuddling in his lap! And now I can't wait to see our family's surprise when our new addition comes home and we're able to scream "It's a....." just like I always dreamed of!

My own

If I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times. It's one of those phrases that, as a mom through adoption, makes me cringe at times and laugh at times. The use of the phrase "my own" or "your own".

"Oh, you couldn't have children of your own?"

"Do you think this time you'll try for your own?"

"I don't know if we'll adopt. I just want children of my own."

What is "My own"? Well according to Webster "own" is defined 2 ways:

1. belonging to oneself or itself —usually used following a possessive case or possessive adjective <cooked my own dinner>
2.—used to express immediate or direct kinship <an own son> <an own sister>

I always try to smile when I hear this phrase and gently reply, "Lovebug couldn't be more my own!" because even by Websters definition she couldn't! "My own" is not measured in DNA or inherited characteristics, but rather being directly connected as mother and child! A connection that is formed through love and a connection that even Webster would have a hard time finding words for.

This past weekend my mother-in-law and I were talking and she mentioned an acquaintance we know who is experiencing IF. She over heard her and another friend talking the other day when our mutual friend mentioned to the acquaintance that my mother-in-law was a grandmother through adoption and that after a few years of IF we'd made the best decision of our lives and decided to adopt. Our friend went on to ooze her own love for Lovebug and what a blessing from above she's been for all of us. The acquaintances response? "Yeah, but we really just want our own baby."

I wish I could shake her and say "do you know what your missing? Can you even fathom this blessing that we've been given? She is our own and we wouldn't trade her for biology ever!"

But, I can't and won't. Everybody deserves their own time to search and decide. I guess theres a part of me that could go back in time and say those things to myself. Maybe I would have avoided 5 years of hurt if I could have only known what I know now.

The best part of the conversation though was hearing how my mother-in-law responded. Entering into adoption you know you and your Hubby will love your baby to the ends of the earth, but how will the rest of your family feel? Well, this just sums up really how our entire family feels about Lovebug: My mother-in-law said when she heard the acquaintance say the "my own" phrase she just laughed (inside) and thought "that baby couldn't be more my own. Nothing would change the way I love her. She's my granddaughter!"

Our family is so blessed by Lovebug. She's most definitely our own.

Why hello old friend...oh, and see ya later!

After more talks yesterday about baby #2 and what our different options are, Hubby stopped, took a deep breath and said "Man, how easy would it be to say "ready for #2?", do thing's the old fashion way and BAM! pregnant! Then 9 months later we'd have a baby." I agreed with a deep breath and a "Yeah, I know". How easy must that be. No deep decisions to make. No unknown time before your baby actually comes. No huge financial hurdles to make.  And then, in the blink of an eye she appeared, rearing her ugly little head;  Ah, bitterness, haven't seen you in a while... unwelcome back.

This is really the first time since Lovebug has been born that those specific feelings arose like that in me. Feelings of injustice, and envy, and anger. It was just automatic. I thought of an acquaintance who get's pregnant at the drop of a dime and happens to be pregnant with her 5th at the moment and I thought about how I always wanted a big family and due to the high cost of adoption, that probably wont happen for us. I thought about how awesome it would be to just be excited in the months leading up to our 2nd childs birth and not have all the questions and anxiety of whether or not it will actually happen. My flesh just completely took over for a second before I screamed STOP in my head! I had to stop. I can't go there. This is where we are. This is where God has us. No matter if the details seem "fair" or not. This is our path.

As all of this was swirling through my head my Hubby, who had excused himself to get Lovebug up from her nap, returned with the most beautiful, precious child I've ever laid eyes on. And at that moment I realized, no matter what, this is where I want to be!

Precious girl snuggling her Daddy :)

Decisions, Decision

International adoption? Domestic adoption?

International adoption? Domestic adoption?

International adoption? Domestic doption?

It's kinda the question of the year at the moment. Sort of.

We're in the mini stages of talking about our next adoption (insert shocked face here!) and although we've just always assumed we'd go the domestic route again, something in my heart it steering toward international adoption. It doesn't seem feasible on so many levels and when I think about it logically, domestic adoption seems like the way to go again(as it very well could be). But, God's stirring something up in me for a reason and I feel it big time. My first reaction with stuff like this is to take action! Read every international adoption blog, find out about different international programs and so on, but I know what I really need to do is be still and let Him lead us...

Lord, as we come to yet another crossroad in our lives, let it be you that guides us. Let not our emotions or brains get in the way, but let us be still enough to hear you, waiting for your direction in our journey for our 2nd precious child. ~Amen

"Be still and know that I am God.." Psalm 46:10

Open Adoption Round Table #27 "First Meeting"

Every parent has their own unique story of meeting their child for the first time. Maybe it was in the hospital room where you got to witness your child breathe their first breath. Maybe you sat in a waiting until someone came to whisk away to a room where your child was waiting. Maybe you sat at your agency anxiously awaiting your new baby to arrive. Or maybe, surrounded by strangers sipping their lattes, you walked into a Starbucks and first layed eyes on your precious child.

Yep. The latter was us! 


I think back to driving up to the building and trying to peer in the overly glared windows just waiting to get my first glimpse of our daughter. It was packed. I wondered what the people exiting the store thought about us walking in with an empty car seat.  As we pulled the door open I got so nervous. I scanned the room quickly looking for the sw and the baby. Finally I saw the sw tucked into a corner and as she saw me she smiled and reached to pick our daughter up out of her car seat. As she picked her up and we saw her for the first time and I swear the heavens opened. The music started. And then right before we started to say our first hello's a  man walking by chimed in with a "Wow, that's a beautiful baby! How old is she?!" Pretty much jetting his head between us and the baby! I don't remember what I said to him, but I'm pretty sure flames came shooting out of my eyeballs! Dude! This is our moment buddy... go away! LOL!

The first one to hold Lovebug was my Hubby. This in and of itself was monumental, since as his rule, he never held itty bitty babies. She was so small in his arms and so absolutely beautiful. As we peered at our daughter for the first time, examining her hands, kissing her tiny face, that overly crowed small Starbucks could have been empty for all we knew. It was love at first sight. The only people who existed in that moment was the 3 of us. Somehow we managed to pay enough attention to sign some paperwork, although it wasn't without a few "wait, can you repeat that?" questions. We spent a little more time going over the hospital discharge info and how things would go from here(since we had to wait out a revocation period) and then S, the sw, said "well, time for me to get going!". *gulp* Wow, this was really happening! After we said our goodbyes to her and she walked out of the restaurant I remember thinking how surreal it was to just be left with the baby. I mean I knew that's what would happen and obviously what we wanted to happen, but when it happened it was just so surreal.

We kinda just stared at each other for a second and then fumbled around with packing up all the little baby things that we weren't yet used to. After we got things together we buckled Lovebug in her new seat, snapped a picture of her to send to all of our anxious family members and walked out of the Starbucks, but this time with a full seat!

As we drove away we both broke down. All the years we waited, all that we wanted was finally sitting in our back seat. To say we were happy is an understatement. Our first meeting with our daughter was totally unconventional, totally awesome and a great story to share when we want to mix things up a little :)

Oh and the picture in my header is of that day! Notice the cup just to my right? Yeah, no big deal...

If you want to see more responses to the discussion click here!