Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The loney island of 7 million

I've been reading a lot of adoption and infertility blogs lately and I have to say how amazed I am at some of the stories. The pain involved, the determination, the triumph, the love. But, one this that strikes my heart every time is the similarities in all of our stories.

If you've ever been a part of the infertile club, you'd know it can be a very lonely place. I can't tell you how many times I felt as if no one could possibly understand how much I hurt, yet thousands and thousands of women were feeling that exact way probably at that exact moment. The truth is the lonely island called infertility is not so lonely after all. It's down right packed! The last statistic I saw  from the CDC said "Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million". 7.3 million! How did I ever feel as if it was only me that felt the way I did?

Although infertility is not a part of my everyday life anymore, I still feel a tie to it. I don't feel that pain of infertility as I once did. In the past, my struggles with infertility directly tied to my being a mother. I felt so much pain in that whatever was wrong with me was preventing me from the biggest desire of my heart. Well, now I have the biggest desire of my heart and with no help of my own body! Bringing our daughter home has been the biggest blessing of our lives! She has positively affected every aspect of our lives, including my thoughts on my fertility. If I never conceive a baby at this point I will be lacking nothing in my children. Lovebug is my heart and it would be impossible to love her anymore than I do. Absolutely impossible.

My thoughts on my infertility at this point are mixed. In one sense I feel blessed! Thank you Lord that you led me to this beautiful child in whatever way you had to! I would go through it all again if it meant I could be her mom! But, at times there's still a twinge of pain, but, not for any children that could come from my conceiving. Rather the pain comes from feeling stripped of the experience of being pregnant or the apparent ease of planning our family. It's not an overwhelming pain by any means, but it's more a cramp that comes in waves. Annoying at most.

But, even in my times where I feel I may be missing out on the experience of being pregnant, I'm quickly reminded of how many people are missing out on this experience and how blessed I truly am to have been granted the experience of adopting!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Little Update!

I received an email from C the other day and we set our plans for our first visit! I was so relived to get her email and put to rest the what ifs in my head.

I'm so excited for the visit. I can't wait to see Lovebug interact with C and her family and share this experience with them. It's not often that you can be with people who without a doubt love your child as much as you do and appreciate the smallest details of your childs existence. I can't wait to watch them as they see Lovebug crawl for the first time and hear her sweet voice for the first time in person. To smell her sweet skin and run their fingers through her beautiful black hair. Sounds magical right? Cue the perfectly timed, overly emotional Hollywood music! Ha! But, I realize it's not all lollypops and rainbows. Although adoption is a beautiful thing, it's also a painful thing. I accept that, but it's doesn't make it any easier. I'm afraid for the pain that Lovebugs family, particularly her birthmother,  may feel after the visits over. I just have to trust that the same loving arms that wrapped around them the first time will again engulf them this time. And I know they will.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
         Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
  I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
         My God, in Him I will trust.”" Psalm 91:1-2

2 weeks from today. The count down begins!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

At arms length..

I feel like I was prepared for a lot of things regarding adoption and the adoption process. I read as much as I could about the waiting process and hospital experiences, I tried to read up on adoption laws and educate by self on what would happen and when and I researched openness options and what each one of them could entail. But, one thing that I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for was the emotional tie I would feel for Lovebugs birthmom. I never grasped what I would feel for my childs other mom. And never understood until now how, as our communication ebbed and flowed, so would my heart.

Right now we're ebbing. On top of her having a few pretty major life changes, we're also approaching our very first visit at the end of the month and then Lovebugs birthday in 2 months. I feel her pulling back. I feel myself wanting to reach forward, but knowing I can't. My role in her life can only go as far as she lets it and at times it feels like it's always at arms length.

I'm worried if she's wavering about our planned visit. I know she's scared. Heck, I'm scared for her. I can't imagine the emotions she must be facing. But, I'm praying for the Lord strength for her and her family. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want our visit to arouse emotions that will tear them up. But, how will we avoid that? Those emotions are there. Day in and day out. They don't go away if someone decided not to do visits. Maybe they just get tucked away. Maybe they become a ticking time bomb. I really don't want that for anyone, especially Lovebug. We have hopes that Lovebug will be able to grow up and know her biological family. We want her to know who they are, what they look like, what they act like. She comes from them. They're her family, too. She will without a doubt share many characteristics with them and we want her to witness that first hand. To always know where she comes from and what makes her, her. But, it's not all up to us.

Right now, I'm waiting on a reply from an email regarding the visit. I asked where they want to meet and certain details regarding plans. It's been almost a week and no reply. I know that seems so short, but we normally have a day at most turn around with communication. We've text back and forth about a few other things in the meantime, but no mention of the email. Maybe she hasn't read it? Maybe she's contemplating her reply? Maybe she's freaking out and doesn't know how to tell me that she can't go through with it. Whatever it may be I hate feeling in limbo. I just want to know. I guess I need to pray about my own anxiety as well. You'd think I'd have that under control by now...

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

I think I'll recite these for a while. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Post #1

Recently I've come across some really amazing blogs and they've really touched me. To see so many women share their hearts and experiences has inspired me to do the same. I'm definitely not the writer that many of them are, but I'll do my best to convey a clear thought every now and then. My hope for this blog is to let it be a place where I can get it all out. To share in the joys of our current position, to reflect on on the pain that got us here and to praise the One who saw us through it all!

A little back story:

My hubby, D, and I are high school sweethearts. We dated for 3 1/2 years before marrying at age 20 in 2004. We always knew we wanted children and always assumed it would come as easily for us as it did for the next guy. Boy were we wrong! We tried for 3 years on our own before turning to a fertility specialist in 2008. After all the test, exams and one surgery where a little endo was removed and 1 polyp in each fallopian tube, the doctors gave us one of the most frustrating diagnoses: Unexplained Infertility. With not much hope given by our doctors and a feeling of unrest with moving forward, we felt God leading us in another direction...

Adoption had always been a topic of conversation for us. When we were first married we talked about how we would love to adopt one day. We dreamed of how adoption would cap off our perfectly laid out family. Little did we know that the seeds of adoption that God was sewing into our hearts wasn't a far off dream about capping off a family, but would be in our immediate future of building our precious family.

Where we are now:

In December 2009, after going through one failed private adoption earlier in the year, we signed with our agency and shortly after became a waiting family. It was so exciting! Finally we felt the resistance of the struggle leaving us... we we're headed in the right direction! After only a few months of waiting we got the call that we'd been hoping for, we'd been picked by an expectant mother! My knees buckled, my hands started shaking and my eyes filled with tears. I could hardly retain any information being told to me until our social worker told me the expectant moms name, C. When I heard her name, my heart stopped. She shared the name that we had long since picked out as our future (almost imaginary at times) daughters middle name. I felt God smile, knowing he knew that I could see his hand in it all. A few months later in August, after having an amazing meeting with C and her family, our precious daughter was born! What love we felt the moment we saw her! We were finally a family! A family of 3? Yes. A new family of much, much more? Absolutely. We've been blessed to have our adoption with our daughters bfamily open up more and more and it's proving to be an amazing experience, with many emotions, questions and definite reward!