Why hello old friend...oh, and see ya later!

After more talks yesterday about baby #2 and what our different options are, Hubby stopped, took a deep breath and said "Man, how easy would it be to say "ready for #2?", do thing's the old fashion way and BAM! pregnant! Then 9 months later we'd have a baby." I agreed with a deep breath and a "Yeah, I know". How easy must that be. No deep decisions to make. No unknown time before your baby actually comes. No huge financial hurdles to make.  And then, in the blink of an eye she appeared, rearing her ugly little head;  Ah, bitterness, haven't seen you in a while... unwelcome back.

This is really the first time since Lovebug has been born that those specific feelings arose like that in me. Feelings of injustice, and envy, and anger. It was just automatic. I thought of an acquaintance who get's pregnant at the drop of a dime and happens to be pregnant with her 5th at the moment and I thought about how I always wanted a big family and due to the high cost of adoption, that probably wont happen for us. I thought about how awesome it would be to just be excited in the months leading up to our 2nd childs birth and not have all the questions and anxiety of whether or not it will actually happen. My flesh just completely took over for a second before I screamed STOP in my head! I had to stop. I can't go there. This is where we are. This is where God has us. No matter if the details seem "fair" or not. This is our path.

As all of this was swirling through my head my Hubby, who had excused himself to get Lovebug up from her nap, returned with the most beautiful, precious child I've ever laid eyes on. And at that moment I realized, no matter what, this is where I want to be!

Precious girl snuggling her Daddy :)

Rachel

Lately I have been doing a "Women of the Bible" study that examines, well, the women of the bible! This week is focused on Rachel and like many of the women in the bible I can relate to her story.

Here's the lowdown on Rachel: Rachel is the daughter of Laban and has one sister Leah. One day Rachel takes her fathers flock to water them and meets a man, Jacob, who happens to be her father, Laban's sisters son (eh, em. Her cousin). Jabob falls in love with Rachel and tells Laban he will serve him for 7 years to marry her. At the end of those seven years, when Jacob thought he would marry Rachel, Laban got greedy and tricked Jacob into sleeping with Leah by disguising her as Rachel. In those days, this meant he was now married to Leah, much to his disappointment. So, to remedy the situation, Laban says (paraphrasing) "Serve me seven more years and you may have Rachel, too". So Jacob agreed and married Rachel as well. Leah went on to have 6 sons and 1 daughter, where as Rachel was barren. At one point, feeling as if her sisters fertility was mocking her own infertility she cried out to Jacob "Give me children or else I die!" She went on to give Jacob 2 of her servants to bare children for her, before it says that God remembered her and opened her own womb. She gave birth to one son and before becoming pregnant again untimately dying in child birth.

So, how do I relate? Well, I'm not married to my cousin and I have no sisters(in my immediate family at least), so I relate to Rachel in feelings about her fertility, or lack there of. Rachel saw Leah's fertility as mocking her own infertility. I can't tell you how many times I felt this. Seeing a smiling pregnant women, would at times feel like a stab to the heart. There were times where I would hear of another women's new pregnancy and feel so much bitterness I couldn't stand it. I echoed the feeling of "give me children or else I will die!" feeling as though my heart would literally break at any moment. But, where does all that lead? Where does bitterness and envy ultimately lead anyone? In Rachels case, is ultimately lead to her own death. Did she seek out what God wanted from her life or was she so dead set on what her own flesh craved that she would do anything to get it?

In my own persoal journey I came to a point where I realized my fertility had become an idol. I obsessed over it, I took time away from God because of it and my heart became hardened.  Letting go of my fertility was a bittersweet time. I had come to the end of the road. I fought so hard to have my way. Would I hold on to my anger and bitterness for what I felt I needed or would I let God lead me in the way He wanted my life to go? I let go. I let God lead me and I'm so happy I did! I cannot imagine my life any other way.

Are you in a place where you feel bitter and angry about your situation? I've been there and I know how it feels. I encourage you to seek out Gods will for your life. Where will the bitterness take you? Where will God take you? Let Him be your guide and I promise, you will not be let down!

Key Scriptures: Genesis 29-35

The loney island of 7 million

I've been reading a lot of adoption and infertility blogs lately and I have to say how amazed I am at some of the stories. The pain involved, the determination, the triumph, the love. But, one this that strikes my heart every time is the similarities in all of our stories.

If you've ever been a part of the infertile club, you'd know it can be a very lonely place. I can't tell you how many times I felt as if no one could possibly understand how much I hurt, yet thousands and thousands of women were feeling that exact way probably at that exact moment. The truth is the lonely island called infertility is not so lonely after all. It's down right packed! The last statistic I saw  from the CDC said "Number of women ages 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to have children): 7.3 million". 7.3 million! How did I ever feel as if it was only me that felt the way I did?

Although infertility is not a part of my everyday life anymore, I still feel a tie to it. I don't feel that pain of infertility as I once did. In the past, my struggles with infertility directly tied to my being a mother. I felt so much pain in that whatever was wrong with me was preventing me from the biggest desire of my heart. Well, now I have the biggest desire of my heart and with no help of my own body! Bringing our daughter home has been the biggest blessing of our lives! She has positively affected every aspect of our lives, including my thoughts on my fertility. If I never conceive a baby at this point I will be lacking nothing in my children. Lovebug is my heart and it would be impossible to love her anymore than I do. Absolutely impossible.

My thoughts on my infertility at this point are mixed. In one sense I feel blessed! Thank you Lord that you led me to this beautiful child in whatever way you had to! I would go through it all again if it meant I could be her mom! But, at times there's still a twinge of pain, but, not for any children that could come from my conceiving. Rather the pain comes from feeling stripped of the experience of being pregnant or the apparent ease of planning our family. It's not an overwhelming pain by any means, but it's more a cramp that comes in waves. Annoying at most.


But, even in my times where I feel I may be missing out on the experience of being pregnant, I'm quickly reminded of how many people are missing out on this experience and how blessed I truly am to have been granted the experience of adopting!