This time around

Today, I'm a rollarcoaster of emotions. Yesterday, a rock grounded in Gods peace. Tomorrow, well we'll see.

Since my last post, Hubby and I decided to take a step in faith and start the adoption process earlier than expected. We rushed to get things done, finger prints, profiles, homestudy. We've been a flurry of excitement and apprehension. Trying to remember that above all, above the excitement and anticipation, we want Gods will and timing for our lives.

We've been shown to 3 different expectant moms so far, 2 choosing other families and one is still considering us and 2 other families. It's funny, but when I found out we'd been passed up by 2 moms I didn't feel sad. I felt total peace. I know God lead us to submit our application and profiles now, for these situations, but I didn't know why. Maybe because one of these babies is our child, maybe as a step in faith, maybe to serve as "options" even though God had already chosen other parents. Maybe for all of the above. It's hard to know for sure right now, but what I do know is I'm right where God wants me. He wants me here and even though I feel like I'm hanging in limbo, foot on the line waiting for the gun to sound, the anticipation building as each second passes, I feel Gods hand on my shoulder reassuring me that he's got this.

So in the mean time, I'm soaking up my sweet girl. These could be that last days I have with only her and she's getting too big to fast. I'd like to really pause at this age. At 20 months she's talking more and more each day, stringing new words together and being as funny as ever. Hubby and I keep having these super sentimental moments where Lovebug will be playing and we'll just be staring at her. One of us will remark and how fast she's growing and then we'll both look at each other and sigh. Where has our baby gone? But, as sad as it is to see one phase go, it's equally as exciting to welcome the next one. Except when it comes to the temper tantrum stage which we've just recently hit. Honestly, at this point it's not bad. More funny than anything. But, I know that eventually the endearing factor to her throwing herself to the ground in a fit of protest will fade away and then we'll be in the thick of it! But, again we'll have to rely on that ever present hand on our shoulders saying "I got this" and let Him guide us along!

"...All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16

Learning to let go...

I've always been a fixer. When I see someone in need, I want to help. When see someone sad, I set out to make them laugh. When a friend needs advice, I'm there to talk them through the mess. When I see someone hurting, I want to fix it. I'm also a talk-it-outer. I like to know where things stand or what the other person is feeling or thinking. It helps me asses the situation and plan for the next step. I guess I feel a responsibility to make things right.

So having this talk it out and fix it personality can create quite the conundrum in an OA. The truth is, I can't fix everything. Not only is it impossible, it's not my place. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning it's not my responsibility to make sure everyones okay. But, it's not easy.

Lovebugs 1st birthday is in 2 short weeks. As of right now I really don't know how C is feeling about it all. I've briefly asked, but I don't want to pry. I've offered an ear, but I don't want to push. I can try to imagine what she's feeling, but how could I ever really know? A year ago, this sort of thing, the not knowing, the worrying, the guessing,  would have drove me batty, but I'm learning to let go.

God sure knows how to stretch us! He knows the place we need to be and how to get us there. And although it might hurt to be stretched, God's just trying to get you back into alignment. You'll be better off for it, if you can just hang on! I'm hangin' on, God, and in the process I'm learning to let go...

Rachel

Lately I have been doing a "Women of the Bible" study that examines, well, the women of the bible! This week is focused on Rachel and like many of the women in the bible I can relate to her story.

Here's the lowdown on Rachel: Rachel is the daughter of Laban and has one sister Leah. One day Rachel takes her fathers flock to water them and meets a man, Jacob, who happens to be her father, Laban's sisters son (eh, em. Her cousin). Jabob falls in love with Rachel and tells Laban he will serve him for 7 years to marry her. At the end of those seven years, when Jacob thought he would marry Rachel, Laban got greedy and tricked Jacob into sleeping with Leah by disguising her as Rachel. In those days, this meant he was now married to Leah, much to his disappointment. So, to remedy the situation, Laban says (paraphrasing) "Serve me seven more years and you may have Rachel, too". So Jacob agreed and married Rachel as well. Leah went on to have 6 sons and 1 daughter, where as Rachel was barren. At one point, feeling as if her sisters fertility was mocking her own infertility she cried out to Jacob "Give me children or else I die!" She went on to give Jacob 2 of her servants to bare children for her, before it says that God remembered her and opened her own womb. She gave birth to one son and before becoming pregnant again untimately dying in child birth.

So, how do I relate? Well, I'm not married to my cousin and I have no sisters(in my immediate family at least), so I relate to Rachel in feelings about her fertility, or lack there of. Rachel saw Leah's fertility as mocking her own infertility. I can't tell you how many times I felt this. Seeing a smiling pregnant women, would at times feel like a stab to the heart. There were times where I would hear of another women's new pregnancy and feel so much bitterness I couldn't stand it. I echoed the feeling of "give me children or else I will die!" feeling as though my heart would literally break at any moment. But, where does all that lead? Where does bitterness and envy ultimately lead anyone? In Rachels case, is ultimately lead to her own death. Did she seek out what God wanted from her life or was she so dead set on what her own flesh craved that she would do anything to get it?

In my own persoal journey I came to a point where I realized my fertility had become an idol. I obsessed over it, I took time away from God because of it and my heart became hardened.  Letting go of my fertility was a bittersweet time. I had come to the end of the road. I fought so hard to have my way. Would I hold on to my anger and bitterness for what I felt I needed or would I let God lead me in the way He wanted my life to go? I let go. I let God lead me and I'm so happy I did! I cannot imagine my life any other way.

Are you in a place where you feel bitter and angry about your situation? I've been there and I know how it feels. I encourage you to seek out Gods will for your life. Where will the bitterness take you? Where will God take you? Let Him be your guide and I promise, you will not be let down!

Key Scriptures: Genesis 29-35