"After a visit" OA Roundtable #37

This Open Adoption Roundtable is all about how you feel after a visit and since we've just recently come back from our second visit with Lovebugs birth family, it's all fresh in my mind. But, lets start at visit 1.....

I remember the anticipation of visit one like it was yesterday. Lovebug was 10 months old at the time and we hadn't seen Lovebug's birthmom or birth family for almost exactly 1 year, since we didn't see them at the hospital. We were meeting at a restaurant to have lunch and hopefully play in the nearby fountains. I was so excited and so nervous! I had all these things rushing through my head from one direction to the next. In one thought I worried that Lovebug wouldn't want them and in another I worried that she wouldn't want me. As we parked and walked up to the building, my knee's got a little weak. The gravity of of what was about to happen hit me at once. I remember looking at my hubby, trying to break the thickening air around us, and saying "It's bout to get real up in here!" or something to that effect. But, as we turned the corner and made our way up to the restaurant, we spotted Lovebug's birthmom and bgrandma smiling and waving and all of those fears vanished and suddenly felt very silly.

We had a good visit. Everyone was happy and talking and holding sweet Lovebug. We finished lunch and headed over to the fountains to watch the kids play. To my surprise though, I noticed Lovebugs birthmom hanging back a little, willing to be close, but not too close. After about 2 hours, birthmom decided she needed to go. So we snapped a picture of the 4 of us (one of my faves BTW!) and hugged. I'll never forget when C leaned in to kiss Lovebug on the cheek and said "see ya later" as we said our last goodbyes and Lovebug chugged her bottle in Hubby's arms. It was the first "see ya later" we witnessed. I could see the pain that sat behind her eye's, her eye lids forcing the tears back.

As they walked away, I remember feeling all sorts of things. I felt heartbroken for Lovebugs birthmom, I felt thrilled that we got to see them and that they got to see us and I felt sad that the visit was already over and truly, I felt disappointed that maybe I had expected too much. I remembered all sorts of things I wished I had told them and wondered if the things that I did say truly conveyed our feelings. It was a strange mix of emotions, that really swayed to the unpleasant side of things. I was happy, but overwhelmingly sad all at once. I wondered when and IF we'd ever see them again. Did they enjoy it seeing us and Lovebug?  Would these snap shots of our first visit be the only picture's I'd ever have to show Lovebug her birthfamilies love for her?....

Fast forward, 9 months later and we were leaving visit #2. A much more natural visit. Calmer. Like visiting old friends that you haven't seen in sometime. We had dinner, talked, laughed. I had to peel Lovebug off of my chest so they could see her beautiful face and she finally opened up some and they got to hear her chat away and throw a temper tantrum like a true toddler. It was just more relaxed and organic.  As we left dinner this time, things felt much different. The saddness wasn't there like it was the first time. I didn't see that same look behind C's eyes, and although I'm not under the misconception that there's no longer sadness, I get the impression that it's just different. And although the visit was way shorter (even more so than the last time) than I had hoped, I didn't feel disappointment and sadness driving away. Part of that is because I've become more realistic with what to expect with our situation. Not using other OA's as a standard to go by and recognizing that each OA is different, with different people and different ways of going about things. The other part of that,  I realized as we drove away, is with our first visit I had some unresolved feelings of grief for Lovebugs birthmom. I was carrying around, deep inside, a guilt for getting to be this precious baby's mommy. I realize now that some of the sadness I had when we left the first time was a feeling of guilt that we were driving away with our sweet girl and they weren't. Maybe because we hadn't experienced that in person when Lovebug was born and it took that visit to bring that to the surface and finally deal with it. This time, I did not feel that way. I felt solidified as Mommy. Confident in my role in Lovebug's life as well as C's role in Lovebug's life.   It was sad to say goodbye just because I'm not sure how long it will be until we see them again, but as I looked in our back seat and watched our sweet baby girl snuggling into her car seat, my heart couldn't feel anything, but to feel grateful and whole.

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To read other responses to this topic, head here!

Open Adoption Round Table #33

The newest Open Adoption Roundtable prompt is up! Head over to Production Not Reproduction to read every ones responses!

"What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?"

Wow. I'm not sure I can contain all of what I've learned into one post, but I'll write about the few things that stuck out the most.

Letting go.

Letting go of fear. Fear of opening up too much and then fear of somehow losing touch. I let go of the first fear very early and then when I did the second one appeared. Fear does one thing and that's distract you from what God wants in you life: obedience and faith. I'm really trying to put those things first and trusting God to bring me through my fears.

Letting go of expectations. I think this is a big one for me. I feel like I put high expectations on our OA. Maybe expecting too much. I see now how that's really not fair. *We* may envision things evolving a certain way, but that doesn't mean everybody involved does and that's ok. I guess I'm learning to be content with whats happening and not stewing over whats not.

I've also learned that there are no two OA's alike. Each OA is comprised of individuals who bring their own strengths and weaknesses into the relationship. This goes back to being content and not heaping expectations on your OA. I've done it. I've seen other people's OA situations and really wanted certain aspects for us. But, that's not how it works. We love our Lovebugs birth family and we're happy to have them in our lives in what ever way we get them. <------Learning to be content!

2011 is really just the start for us. We're still getting our bearings and testing the waters. Learning every step of the way.

Overall, we had a great year! 2011 brought us many joys and we're super excited to see what 2012 brings!

Open Adoption Interview Project 2011!

I have to say, this Open Adoption Interview Project was a lot of fun! It was my first time participating and I'm already looking forward to the next one! To see a complete list of the interviews click here!

Over the past few weeks I've had the privilege to dig deep into a blog, that before this, I had never seen. There were a few things that immediately struck me: The first was familiarity. I'm always struck by the fact that even though many of us live completely different lives we all share so many emotions and experiences that are the same. It's part of what I really love about this community. Knowing that even if our circumstances IRL make us feel isolated or alone, our blogging buddies are always there to let us know we're not alone! Secondly, I noticed her deep love for her son. I just can't get enough of that. No matter how many times I read it, hearing about a dream come true and the making of a family is such a beautiful story to me! Thirdly was her ability to share her raw emotions. It's not always easy to say how your feeling, especially when what your feeling isn't rosy. But, she gets it out there and earned heaps of respect in my book for it.

So who's blog is it? Meet Lavonne from Eye's Wide Open: My Journey Into Motherhood. After years of infertility, Lavonne and her husband D set out to adopt with the same exuberant excitement that we all start out with. Little did they know then that the journey to adopt would prove to have it's own bumpy roads and giant road blocks including a failed placement and a long wait. Finally, the day came though. They were chosen to be parents to a sweet little boy they'd go on to name T. Her blog journals her life as a mom, as a mom through adoption and a mom through transracial adoption. Her newest posts also include an very unexpected surprise... after all those years of infertility, deciding that with the addition of T their family was complete and making plans to make sure it stayed that way, Lavonne just found out that she's expecting!

Head over and check out her blog and leave Lavonne some love! :)

Here's my interview with Lavonne! Enjoy!

1). There's no doubt that infertility and adoption are 2 very life changing experiences. How do you think each has changed you both for the good and bad?

There is definitely good, bad, and ugly in my story! For the worse, I think that the infertility and adoption experience has made me more cynical about life in general. Our hopes and dreams were crushed so many times during the process, it's been easier since then to be a "glass half empty" kind of person. For the better, I think the experiences have provided depth to who I am. I have sat with many others that are walking some of the same road and I have an ability to provide empathy and understanding that most of society doesn't. So while I can't really say that I would want to relive all the crap (of course we'd always want T in our family), I can say that all the crap added extra layers to who I am, that in the end I think is  good.

2)  In one of your posts "out and about with baby T" you talked about how it helped seeing others view you being a mom because it helped you feel more like a mom. In your experience did you find it hard to accept yourself in the "mom" role after pursuing it for so long? What helped to finally solidify your role as T's mom in your mind?

Because I became a mom to T in 3 days it was really difficult to accept and understand what that role meant initially. I also felt that J had earned her role as mother and signing some papers all of a sudden also made me a mom was weird to experience. Even though I had bonded and attached to T I felt like a long term babysitter for a long time. I even had trouble using the word "mom" to refer to myself! In the end, I think it was time that solidified my role as T's mom for me and seeing him respond to me in a way that was different than others. As T got older I saw him look for me across the room, reach up for me, and settle after picking him up....all of that helped me feel that mommy feeling!

3) On the same note, did you find bonding with T to be a more difficult process than expected or did it come very easy to you? What advice would you give new mothers through adoption about bonding with their baby?

While in the adoption process I wasn't sure how I would react to becoming a mom. From my work in maternal health I know that many women have difficulty bonding to baby after birth so I don't think I was expecting a "love at first sight" sort of experience. Plus since T entered our lives two months after an adoption that didn't work out my heart was guarded and I'm sure that impacted my bonding experience. My advice to new moms through adoption (and birth for that matter) would be to be honest with your feelings and not let anyone else tell you what you should/should not be feeling. To work through the feelings is so important.

4) What do you feel are your greatest struggles and greatest joys of being a transracial family?

My greatest struggle is that my heart hurts for T when I think about the difficulties he will encounter in life as a part of a transracial family. This is what drives me to be intentional about how I parent. To read and research. To talk with other transracial families. To build intentional relationships. Etc.! The greatest joys of being a transracial family is more difficult to answer. I feel intense joy just in the fact that we are a family! I do think another joy is the clear sense I have about celebrating differences no matter what they may be and simply the fact that I have experienced the truth that deep love knows no colour or boundary.

5) How do you plan to celebrate and teach T about his African American heritage?

Since both D and I are unable to understand what it means to be African American or even a minority, we will surround ourselves with people that do. We've worked to build some intentional relationships with other black families that have kids around T's age. My hope is to one day when T is older some of the black men we have built relationships with will mentor him. I also hope that one day he'll be able to connect with his birth family and continue that process of learning/celebrating who he is as an African American man.

 6) Some of your newest posts talk about your recent discovery of being pregnant and the mixed emotions you've been facing. What has surprised you the most about finding out you were pregnant?

The fact that I was pregnant in the first place!
  
7) Some of the prominent emotions you've expressed about being pregnant is grief. Our cultures seem to be so focused on pregnancy and biology as a way of creating a *real* family.  Because of this are you finding it hard to be open about this grief IRL when so many expect that you *must* be soooo happy about it?

Actually in real life I've been pretty honest with those around me that I am having great difficulty accepting this pregnancy for a myriad of reasons. It is others that are having a really hard time with the fact that I'm not so happy about this and they don't know how/or what to do with that information. Since our culture views pregnancy/biology as a celebration it's difficult for others to change that focus and realize that not everyone feels the same way. This is somewhat interesting to me because while I get where people are coming from, ours is certainly not the last unplanned pregnancy to occur. I think about T's first mom and how she must have felt in the grocery store when random people gushed over her swelling belly while she was internally struggling with what to do about this baby.

8) What were your feelings after finding out that J had put a hold on her file, more or less closing your semi-open adoption? What are your hopes for the future in this regard and what would your ideal openness be?

I was very disappointed to discover that J had put a hold on her file. While there is a part of me that is understanding of this, there's also the mama bear part that wants only the best for my son and I feel that openness is the best. So my hope for the future is that we would one day be able to have a fully open relationship with J where we can communicate directly (no agency), visit, and together celebrate the remarkable little boy that T is.

Open Adoption Interview Project!

If you haven't heard already Open Adoption Bloggers is conducting an Adoption Blogger Interview Project that everyone, no matter the openness of your adoption, is welcome to participate in!

Wanna know how it works? Here's an excerpt the the website:
 
How does it work?

Everyone who registers by October 28 will be paired with another adoption blogger. You will have two weeks to get to know their blog and send them some questions by email. On November 17, you'll post the interview on your blog and your partner will post their interview of you.

Sound fun? If you haven't already, head over and sign up for this unique experience!! You must sign up before Friday so hurry!! Open Adoption Interview Project

OA Roundtable # 29

Come check out the newest Open Adoption Roundtable!! This time it's a bit of an open mic night. Everyone is sharing the post they feel they want people to remember about them. I shared my lastest post Let's get "real"!

Enjoy!

Open Adoption Round Table #28 "Questions from an adult adoptee"

This round table is a little different. Lori at Write Mind Open Heart was asked a series of questions from an adult adoptee from the closed adoption era regarding today's open adoptions and has invited others to participate in answering the questions as well. While I can't answer them all, I'll do my best!

1. Can the adoptive parents really go back on their word after the adoption has been finalized and do whatever they please in regard to updates and pictures?

To my knowledge there are only a very few states that have legally enforceable open adoption agreements. In the other states, open adoption agreements are verbal and hold no legal enforcement. So, I supposed the answer to the question is yes. It can and does happen. Does this happen in the majority of OA cases? To my knowledge no. I know 7 families off the top of my head who are in some form of OA with their childs birth family, who are complete advocates for OA and really work to make things successful.

2. Who is the go-between for communication with most Open Adoptions: the case worker, the placing agency, or the lawyer handling the adoption?

I would think in the beginning, the majority of communication goes through a third party. Most agencies set up  a schedule for pictures ans visits. It's a good guideline to have for those first years. For us, when we were first matched and adoption specialist at the agency handled all of our communication, but after we had our first meeting with C, we started having direct contact and rarely used any third party communication, especially after Lovebug was born.


What are the advantages and disadvantages for each of the above contact persons?


Since my last answer didn't touch on each of the mentioned people I will just answer this question pertaining to the person I did mention, the Adoption Specialist(or caseworker). I think the advantages to using your case worker to communicate is that it gives you a buffer. You can bounce your ideas off of that person before presenting them if your still trying to find your way, if your hurt by something or worried about something you can ask your case worker about her experience with the specific situation your in, etc. But I think thats more stuff for the beginning of an OA. I think the disadvantages to going through your CW to communicate is that your really not learning how each other work or how you think. I think OA's at there core are very personal and going through a third party is very impersonal. IMO, once an OA is established communication is better just being direct.

4. How can case workers be involved in Open Adoption as well if DHS are already so understaffed and the budgets are maxed out for the thousands of forgotten children lost in the system?

I don't think this really pertains to my experience...

5. Is there an incentive such as money for the adoption agency to be still involved indirectly and indefinitely for an Open Adoption? Does it cost the prospective adoptive parents more money upfront for it to be an open adoption?

No and no.The agency doesn't benefit at all from our OA. They're role basically ended when we finalized unless we needed them for something. In C's case, the agency has continued to offer post relinquishment support to her through counseling and support groups which does not benefit the agency either.

6. If the contract is legally binding, what happens to the adoptive parents if they don’t follow through? Is there really any legal recourse for both parties that are clearly spelled out?

I'm not really familiar with legally binding OA agreements since in FL OA are not legally enforceable. But, I would love to learn more from those of you who may be in a state where it is legally enforceable! Anyone from California?

7. What deters the birth parents from coming to your house unannounced?

Well, nothing! But, I guess how you view your childs birth parent would determine how you'd think of this question. We love and trust Lovebugs birthmom and her family, if we didn't quite honestly we wouldn't have given them our address, last name and telephone number. Trust is huge in an OA. That being said we've told C before, and meant it, that she's always welcome at our house. We consider her family in the real sense of the word. It's not just a fun phrase for us. We really feel that way. So what stops her from just dropping by (besides distance, since we don't live close by) is the common respect she, or I or you, would have for anyone. Hopefully we'd all call be for going over to anyone's house!

8. Do you know if there are any court cases where it’s obvious that there are loopholes in Open Adoption that need to be addressed?

Not personally. There are the horror stories everyone has heard about prospective adoptive parents agreeing to OA just to "seal the deal" and then recanting once placement happens. I have never seen this first hand, but I would consider this a loophole that needs to be addressed. The problem is how?

9. Just like there are issues with closed adoptions and we have the outspoken activists’, etc., are there any Open Adoption opponents or vice versa that are working to be the voice for the birth mothers as well as the adoptive children and their best interests?

 I've never come across an "activist" against OA. Plenty for it, but none against it. I've seen people voice their concerns on forums about OA, but rarely do they ever have any true personal experience in the matter. 

10. When is the adoptee old enough to choose if they want contact or not? What if they are the ones who want to break off ties with the bio parents?

They way we feel about Lovebugs family is that they're part of our extended family, much like aunts, uncles or grandparents. In a traditional biologically connected family you don't hear too often of a child choosing to cut off contact with part of their extended family. I just don't foresee that being an issue. But, there is a big difference between having an aunt and a birthmom, so if Lovebug ever did feel uncomfortable with a visit or some form of communication we would try to help her to figure out why and work through it.

11. Are there any support groups/legal aids for birth mothers where they can get honest answers with their concerns for open adoptions?

I know our agency has support groups for birthmoms as well as expectant moms so I would assume other agencies do, too. There are online support groups/forums, but I'm leery to suggest them as lately the ones I frequent seem to be plagued with arguments and people with their own agendas.

Open Adoption Round Table #27 "First Meeting"

Every parent has their own unique story of meeting their child for the first time. Maybe it was in the hospital room where you got to witness your child breathe their first breath. Maybe you sat in a waiting until someone came to whisk away to a room where your child was waiting. Maybe you sat at your agency anxiously awaiting your new baby to arrive. Or maybe, surrounded by strangers sipping their lattes, you walked into a Starbucks and first layed eyes on your precious child.

Yep. The latter was us! 


I think back to driving up to the building and trying to peer in the overly glared windows just waiting to get my first glimpse of our daughter. It was packed. I wondered what the people exiting the store thought about us walking in with an empty car seat.  As we pulled the door open I got so nervous. I scanned the room quickly looking for the sw and the baby. Finally I saw the sw tucked into a corner and as she saw me she smiled and reached to pick our daughter up out of her car seat. As she picked her up and we saw her for the first time and I swear the heavens opened. The music started. And then right before we started to say our first hello's a  man walking by chimed in with a "Wow, that's a beautiful baby! How old is she?!" Pretty much jetting his head between us and the baby! I don't remember what I said to him, but I'm pretty sure flames came shooting out of my eyeballs! Dude! This is our moment buddy... go away! LOL!

The first one to hold Lovebug was my Hubby. This in and of itself was monumental, since as his rule, he never held itty bitty babies. She was so small in his arms and so absolutely beautiful. As we peered at our daughter for the first time, examining her hands, kissing her tiny face, that overly crowed small Starbucks could have been empty for all we knew. It was love at first sight. The only people who existed in that moment was the 3 of us. Somehow we managed to pay enough attention to sign some paperwork, although it wasn't without a few "wait, can you repeat that?" questions. We spent a little more time going over the hospital discharge info and how things would go from here(since we had to wait out a revocation period) and then S, the sw, said "well, time for me to get going!". *gulp* Wow, this was really happening! After we said our goodbyes to her and she walked out of the restaurant I remember thinking how surreal it was to just be left with the baby. I mean I knew that's what would happen and obviously what we wanted to happen, but when it happened it was just so surreal.

We kinda just stared at each other for a second and then fumbled around with packing up all the little baby things that we weren't yet used to. After we got things together we buckled Lovebug in her new seat, snapped a picture of her to send to all of our anxious family members and walked out of the Starbucks, but this time with a full seat!

As we drove away we both broke down. All the years we waited, all that we wanted was finally sitting in our back seat. To say we were happy is an understatement. Our first meeting with our daughter was totally unconventional, totally awesome and a great story to share when we want to mix things up a little :)

Oh and the picture in my header is of that day! Notice the cup just to my right? Yeah, no big deal...

If you want to see more responses to the discussion click here!