My baby, you amaze me!

Ok, I'll just say it: My daughter amazes me daily! I never cease to be amazed at the things she knows and says. A few days ago, as I made breakfast and Lovebug played at her play kitchen, I started to hear her count... in SPANISH!

"Uno, dos, tress, cuatro, cinco, seis...."

Say what?!! The most amazing thing is we've never worked on counting in Spanish to her. She loves Dora and Handy Manny, which is undoubtedly where she learned it, but that's the amazing thing to me. She doesn't sit in front of the TV all day. We watch maybe one or 2 shows a day after waking from a nap or while I'm cooking dinner. She just hears or sees things and soaks them up! It's crazy.

Then today as we drove past the local post office I heard a tiny voice from the back seat say "Cisten?" (Cristen, bmom's imaginary blog name ;)). It took me a second to realize where we were and then it dawned on me, the last time we went to the post office was a few days ago to mail off a Mothers Day package to C. We talked all about it and I let Lovebug decorate the package with markers and tape. We wrapped it in Lovebugs special, squiggly paper and talked about how excited C would be to get this in the mail. Anyhow, as we drove past the post office again, she must have been remembering our trip to mail C's gift. But, then she amazed me again. She went on with her thoughts "Cisten? Nanny? Eat Pizza!" I can't tell you what I felt when she said that. It was really something.

As I sat there and listened to my 21 months old daughter recount our last visit with her birthmom and birthgrandparents I just melted! Melted! I know 6 weeks doesn't seem like very long to an adult, but it seems like a long time for a 21 month old. She remembered everything "Pizza hot" (we kept making her wait to eat becuase the pizza was like molten lava. seriously), "see water" (there was a water fountain in the town square that she wanted to see so badly, but had to wait until after dinner), "Hug Nanny". She talked about it like it was yesterday. She even recounted a funny part of the visit "Papa.... I shy". She had a hard time warming up to C's dad this time. She would talk and laugh with C and N, but then when P would look at her she'd freeze and look at the ground. Apparently this stuck out in her brain too and she felt is was worthwhile to mention again.

It was a fitting conversation to have on the eve of this weekend. It was comforting. Although Lovebug may not yet understand the place C holds in her life, she knows C's there and even though we've only seen them twice since Lovebug was born, she seems to know they're important enough people to file in her brain. Not just random people we bumped into and had pizza with. It make me feel that, even through the recent frustrations I felt in our OA, it's worth it. It's all worth it.

It makes this Mama's heart happy and I'm pretty sure it makes her birthmama's heart happy as well :)

Strangers intertwined

Have you ever thought about the reality of open adoption in the sense that from the get go your really just strangers suddenly intertwined in life. Up until this monumental point in both of your lives, you probably never knew the other existed. You have no idea how the other thinks, how they process their emotions, what their interests are, what they really hate. Sometimes you come from completely different backgrounds. Sometimes your backgrounds are eerily similar. You may find immediate commonalities only to find over time that you have just as many differences. You may click like you've been best friends forever or maybe you know from the start that this relationship will take major work.

You know, as obvious as it is, I'm not sure I understood the depth of this concept until we were in the thick of our open adoption.

The fact with open adoption is, with the birth of your child, suddenly 2 unconnected worlds become connected in a powerful way. On one side it's the most joyous occasion imaginable, on the other side it's quite possibly the most painful.

I'll be honest, open adoptions are hard. But, not for the reasons your Aunt Wilma "who once knew someone who adopted" thinks. It's not hard to share the joys of your child with her birthmother. It's not hard to look into your baby's eyes and know that she doesn't just have 4 grandparents who love her so, she has 6(or 8!) or that she not only has one Mommy who thinks she's the best thing on earth she has two. It's not hard to see your childs other family holding her close and loving her so. Those things are what make open adoptions worth it. The things that make you push through the tough times.

What's hard is knowing how to blend separate lives with different raging emotions on each side. It's hard to know what your open adoption should look like. It's hard to not panic slightly when you don't hear anything for a while especially when you've been sending out communication. It's hard to put your own emotions to the wayside and try and imagine what the other is going through. It's hard to even try to imagine what they go through.

Now I probably should clarify because I'm sure some of you might be wondering what happened? Why the somber post? Sorry to disappoint, but nothing has happened. Well, no bad interactions or anything of the sort. Just distancing and what I imagine are normal OA patterns of settling into reality. Honestly, some of the hardest parts of this is maybe learning how impatient I am or how I let my mind race to the worst case scenario first. It's just so important to me(us). It's sometimes hard to keep these emotions in check, but it's a must for OA survival.

In the end, the potential outcome is well worth it. What I invision in the future is beautiful Lovebug surrounded by her entire family as she grows up, as she graduates, as she gets married and as she becomes a Mommy herself. But, in the world of open adoptions it doesn't matter what one party invisions. I can only hope that we both have similar goals for sweet Lovebug and our open adoption. But, sometimes it's hard to tell. We are, after all, just strangers intertwined.

Lets get "real"!

What is it about open adoption that makes people squirm? I was at story time with Lovebug today when another mom and I started talking. We did the normal mom routine: How old is he?  Is she sleeping for you? Oh, I see you use cloth diapers too... here lets trade tips! We started building a small rapport and after a while I started to let my guard down. After a little more chatting I mentioned that we'd actually adopted and then it began...

I don't hide Lovebugs adoption, but I've learned over time to be selective of when we talk about it. In the beginning I talked about it all the time. I was so excited about being her mom and how we'd got to that point. I wanted to scream it from the roof tops... although I did manage to refrain from doing so. But, as time went on we decided not everyone has good intentions with their questions, some people are just being nosy and although we're proud of how Lovebug became our daughter we don't want it to define our family. So, I became pickier with my adoption talk.

So, back to the story... We're talking and I mention adoption. After a few positive exchanges regarding the topic I mentioned our open adoption with Lovebugs birthmom and family and how wonderful it's been. She responded with a "you know I know someone else who's said the same thing, but......" and then with a grimace on her face, as if she was about it inform me of the mistake I somehow over looked in my decision to communicate with the "other side", she said "but, what are you going to do when she knows who her "real" mom is?"

I should have said "you know I've never thought of myself as imaginary until now... thanks for the insight!", but that wouldn't have got me very far. So I smiled and said "I am her real mom, but we're not concerned with her knowing her birthmom (othermom, firstmom) and that side of her family, too. We feel it's healthy. After all they are her family(and ours) and make her who she is." She went on to say some other, unfortunately ignorant comments about adoption and eventually I just ended the conversation. But, it got me thinking: What is it with open adoption that makes those not involved in it so threatening? After pondering it for a little bit it hit me...

I think open adoption hits at people at the core, arousing their own insecurities. If we're openly accepting Lovebug having 2 moms, well what does that say about their status as a mom? Could she be so easily replaced as well? Could her child love another mom if we expect our child to do so? Surely, a child has only enough room in their life for one mom and that's her..right?

But, what about moms who are adding to their brood. Fears arise, concerns surface...how will I ever love another child as much as I do my first? As soon as a mom voices this fear, veteran mom's jump at the chance to reassure her that a mother love doesn't divide with her children, but her heart and love grows to accommodate them.  So why wouldn't the same apply to the child? Is a child's heart incapable of loving more the 1 or 2 people? I don't think so.

God gives us hearts big enough to love everyone. In a traditional family, a child has many people to love: mom, dad, brothers, sisters,grandma, grandpa, nana, papa, aunts, uncles, cousins and the list goes on. Loving one doesn't take away from loving another. Each family member has a special place in that childs life and the child loves them accordingly, allowing their heart to grow with love as they build each unique relationship. The same goes for open adoption. Lovebug loving me as her mom takes nothing away from her loving her birthmom and vice versa. We both have a unique place in her life and could never replace each other. She wouldn't be who she is and who she's going to be without the influence of both of us. And is it possible to have too many grandparents or aunts and uncles? I think not.

So why would I be concerned? If anything, it fills me with pride to think of my daughter being confident enough to know she can love her whole family, wholeheartedly, without fear. I want her to grow up being proud of who she is and knowing we're proud of who she is and who she is didn't start when she was 48 hours old. Who she is also is not an adopted person. She's a person who happened to be adopted. She has a large family full of people who love her and would do anything for her. IMO, that in and if itself is something to be proud of.

We all have enough room in our hearts to love others...we just have to get past our insecurities and start putting others first. Hubby and I love our newly extended family and look forward to extending it further.Our family may not be traditional and fit into the box that some like to try and shove us into, but we like it this way. For "real"!

One year ago today....

One year ago today our lives officially changed forever when Lovebug was place into our arms and hearts forever! (Want to read the details about that day? Click here!) This past year has undoubtedly been the best time of our lives. Our lives have been so enriched and filled with love by this little girl. We've learned more about each other and we've learned more about ourselves through her. We've witnessed first hand the most primal love you can have for your child. The kind of love that's immeasurable. What's the most amazing to me is that when I think it's impossible to love her anymore, I wake up the next day and my love for her has compounded! Everyday I love her more than the previous day. A year ago today I couldn't even imagine how I would feel today and today I can't imagine how I ever lived without her! Mommy loves you baby girl, always and forever!

Our first cuddle one year ago today!

Learning to let go...

I've always been a fixer. When I see someone in need, I want to help. When see someone sad, I set out to make them laugh. When a friend needs advice, I'm there to talk them through the mess. When I see someone hurting, I want to fix it. I'm also a talk-it-outer. I like to know where things stand or what the other person is feeling or thinking. It helps me asses the situation and plan for the next step. I guess I feel a responsibility to make things right.

So having this talk it out and fix it personality can create quite the conundrum in an OA. The truth is, I can't fix everything. Not only is it impossible, it's not my place. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning it's not my responsibility to make sure everyones okay. But, it's not easy.

Lovebugs 1st birthday is in 2 short weeks. As of right now I really don't know how C is feeling about it all. I've briefly asked, but I don't want to pry. I've offered an ear, but I don't want to push. I can try to imagine what she's feeling, but how could I ever really know? A year ago, this sort of thing, the not knowing, the worrying, the guessing,  would have drove me batty, but I'm learning to let go.

God sure knows how to stretch us! He knows the place we need to be and how to get us there. And although it might hurt to be stretched, God's just trying to get you back into alignment. You'll be better off for it, if you can just hang on! I'm hangin' on, God, and in the process I'm learning to let go...