Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Strangers intertwined

Have you ever thought about the reality of open adoption in the sense that from the get go your really just strangers suddenly intertwined in life. Up until this monumental point in both of your lives, you probably never knew the other existed. You have no idea how the other thinks, how they process their emotions, what their interests are, what they really hate. Sometimes you come from completely different backgrounds. Sometimes your backgrounds are eerily similar. You may find immediate commonalities only to find over time that you have just as many differences. You may click like you've been best friends forever or maybe you know from the start that this relationship will take major work.

You know, as obvious as it is, I'm not sure I understood the depth of this concept until we were in the thick of our open adoption.

The fact with open adoption is, with the birth of your child, suddenly 2 unconnected worlds become connected in a powerful way. On one side it's the most joyous occasion imaginable, on the other side it's quite possibly the most painful.

I'll be honest, open adoptions are hard. But, not for the reasons your Aunt Wilma "who once knew someone who adopted" thinks. It's not hard to share the joys of your child with her birthmother. It's not hard to look into your baby's eyes and know that she doesn't just have 4 grandparents who love her so, she has 6(or 8!) or that she not only has one Mommy who thinks she's the best thing on earth she has two. It's not hard to see your childs other family holding her close and loving her so. Those things are what make open adoptions worth it. The things that make you push through the tough times.

What's hard is knowing how to blend separate lives with different raging emotions on each side. It's hard to know what your open adoption should look like. It's hard to not panic slightly when you don't hear anything for a while especially when you've been sending out communication. It's hard to put your own emotions to the wayside and try and imagine what the other is going through. It's hard to even try to imagine what they go through.

Now I probably should clarify because I'm sure some of you might be wondering what happened? Why the somber post? Sorry to disappoint, but nothing has happened. Well, no bad interactions or anything of the sort. Just distancing and what I imagine are normal OA patterns of settling into reality. Honestly, some of the hardest parts of this is maybe learning how impatient I am or how I let my mind race to the worst case scenario first. It's just so important to me(us). It's sometimes hard to keep these emotions in check, but it's a must for OA survival.

In the end, the potential outcome is well worth it. What I invision in the future is beautiful Lovebug surrounded by her entire family as she grows up, as she graduates, as she gets married and as she becomes a Mommy herself. But, in the world of open adoptions it doesn't matter what one party invisions. I can only hope that we both have similar goals for sweet Lovebug and our open adoption. But, sometimes it's hard to tell. We are, after all, just strangers intertwined.


  1. Great post! Thanks for sharing!

  2. I hear ya girl! You put all the crazy emotions and thoughts into words so beautifully!

  3. I tagged you in my recent blog post... check it out!

  4. All of our open adoptions look different. I know its just how God planned them but it is difficult. That was a great post :)