Thursday, June 2, 2011

At arms length..

I feel like I was prepared for a lot of things regarding adoption and the adoption process. I read as much as I could about the waiting process and hospital experiences, I tried to read up on adoption laws and educate by self on what would happen and when and I researched openness options and what each one of them could entail. But, one thing that I don't think I could have ever prepared myself for was the emotional tie I would feel for Lovebugs birthmom. I never grasped what I would feel for my childs other mom. And never understood until now how, as our communication ebbed and flowed, so would my heart.

Right now we're ebbing. On top of her having a few pretty major life changes, we're also approaching our very first visit at the end of the month and then Lovebugs birthday in 2 months. I feel her pulling back. I feel myself wanting to reach forward, but knowing I can't. My role in her life can only go as far as she lets it and at times it feels like it's always at arms length.

I'm worried if she's wavering about our planned visit. I know she's scared. Heck, I'm scared for her. I can't imagine the emotions she must be facing. But, I'm praying for the Lord strength for her and her family. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want our visit to arouse emotions that will tear them up. But, how will we avoid that? Those emotions are there. Day in and day out. They don't go away if someone decided not to do visits. Maybe they just get tucked away. Maybe they become a ticking time bomb. I really don't want that for anyone, especially Lovebug. We have hopes that Lovebug will be able to grow up and know her biological family. We want her to know who they are, what they look like, what they act like. She comes from them. They're her family, too. She will without a doubt share many characteristics with them and we want her to witness that first hand. To always know where she comes from and what makes her, her. But, it's not all up to us.

Right now, I'm waiting on a reply from an email regarding the visit. I asked where they want to meet and certain details regarding plans. It's been almost a week and no reply. I know that seems so short, but we normally have a day at most turn around with communication. We've text back and forth about a few other things in the meantime, but no mention of the email. Maybe she hasn't read it? Maybe she's contemplating her reply? Maybe she's freaking out and doesn't know how to tell me that she can't go through with it. Whatever it may be I hate feeling in limbo. I just want to know. I guess I need to pray about my own anxiety as well. You'd think I'd have that under control by now...

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, But a good word makes it glad." Proverbs 12:25

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6

I think I'll recite these for a while. :)


  1. Next Text ask if she got your email-- Our birth mom rarely checks email and had me in a nervous panic once too!! We'll pray for you too!!